[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.