I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.