Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I support this random dude and all his protests
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
tourist season
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin