I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m Sold!
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
There is no try. There is only give up.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
fired
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.