The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired