At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.