[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE