reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups