well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I am also baked goods
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.