When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?