the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
#winning
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill