HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?