7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over