Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.