Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time