[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
next level snooze
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away