The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
twitter is a journey
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.