Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princ猫ss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Can you even call yourself a family if you鈥檙e not making at least one person upset with what you鈥檙e serving for dinner?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there鈥檚 like 12 bars in this town
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me: Well, that鈥檚 enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let鈥檚 say you鈥檝e been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.