my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
translated into Canadian
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there