I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
🌱🌱🌱
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.