Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message