It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person