[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.