So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!