Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school