Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My nickname in high school was “who?”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.