*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
#Caturday
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.