Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.