I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!