Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
😅😅😅
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
If a snake ate a cake
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.