Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus