I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
You Might Also Like
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.