I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
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(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Well, that should do it
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners