Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.