I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Nice try Hitler
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down