“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
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ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.