SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.