Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
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Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Sharon, call the vet
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.