Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I created you as mosquito food.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.