Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
You Might Also Like
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope