I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
lol
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?