99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Good morning
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.