me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You Might Also Like
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Dear Lord..
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Many hands make light work
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
✌️
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.