If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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i did the math
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss