in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
You Might Also Like
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.