When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”