Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.