I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.