My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.