I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”